Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Um … Hot Wings please
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.