Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
im all 3
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god