Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Practicing safe sax

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…