Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
termite twitter scares me
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.