DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer