Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.