DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Sounds like a bargain
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?