Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Only Americans understand

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

For anyone who needs this today

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which