date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
You Might Also Like
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My friend is an excellent librarian.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock