Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie