Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.