date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit