Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.