Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

i think both sides are to blame here

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!