date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.