Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.