Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille