Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

Someone just threatened to call me later

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me