DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows