DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
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Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
real
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I wish I could veto my bills.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”