Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Left at a local drug store…

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.