Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.