Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
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[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
In case you needed to hear it: