Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
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It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Never ghost your hitman.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m sorry…what?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.