Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

me before I type out affect or effect

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.