Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

Pretty much! 😂👀

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…