Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly