Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

no their not

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.