[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
$4 #usedbooks
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
goldfish mafia
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”