Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?