Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
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MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Help Wanted
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo