Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.