Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

I have never related to a cat more

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)