Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
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So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Optional boss fight.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I can’t wait!
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself