[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
🙋♀️
