[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle