[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
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Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail