[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
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*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters