Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.