Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

My brain is a bad influence on me