Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets