Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

j o i m p

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

Pizza is an emotion right?

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer