Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

when there are deer in the woods

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Follow me for more life hacks.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

*Seductively hides in the woods

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO