Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.