Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

What’s this sorcery? 😂

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”