Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?