Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

Lmfao

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

new career option?

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.