[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.