Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.