Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

How it started How it’s going

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*