Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea