Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.