Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

respect

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”