Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

😂💯

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.