[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ