Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

dark side of the loom

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”