[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk