Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

“our sushi is very fresh”

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.