[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
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Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.