[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You Might Also Like
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?