[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You Might Also Like
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Good boy 😂😂
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*