Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream