Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Never mess with a drunken pig.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.