Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?