Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

Like sleeping!

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!