Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

couldn’t resist

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.