[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
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No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
#SuperBowl
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”