Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them