Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

anyone else like Italian cereal

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

looks legit

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.