Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

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Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

This poor dog

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears