Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*