Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

Nose

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it