@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

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@JuanLikeHell

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

@AyeGimp

Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.

@girlontapas

Think you had a bad childhood?

Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.

@Social_Mime

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

@squirrel74wkgn

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

@TheQuietPsycho

*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out

@KielyHealey

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

@tkhan74

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

@Birdhumms

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

@pilau

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot