HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

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First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*


Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.


Think you had a bad childhood?

Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.


I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.


“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.


*getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out


[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?


I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.


I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.


Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot