[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.