Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

Morning my dudes.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.