Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

This headline is a thing of beauty

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Do one person every day that scares you.