Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

North and South

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

A bold strategy

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

you gotta be faster

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola