Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

👍

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.