[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Pizza is an emotion right?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Probably my best painting.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.